"The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret."    —
Henny Youngman.

"Marriage is a wonderful invention; but, then again, so
is a bycicle repair kit."    — Billy Conolly.

"A woman asked her husband to go to the video store and
get 'Scent of a Woman'. Her husband came back  with a 'Fish Called Wanda'."

"The phrase 'rule of thumb' is derived from and old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife  with anything wider than your thumb."

"There's only two things about me that my wife doesn't
care for:    1) everything I say, and  2) everything I do."

"Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't ?
Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed.   Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator."

"Q: Why do men usually die before their wives ?
A: Because they want to."

"A bachelor is a man who never makes the same mistake
once."

"Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no
use in two people remembering the same thing."

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it
cost to get married ?"  And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still
paying".

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts
of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries
 her ?"   Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

"I never knew what real happiness was until I got
married; and then it was too late."

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know,
I was a fool when I married you."   The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and
didn't notice."

"Make love, not war. I'm married, I do both."

"Bigamy ? It's having one wife too much...
...Monogamy ? It's the same"    — Oscar Wilde.

"Marriage is a book of which the first chapter is
written in poetry and the remaining chapters are written in
prose."    — Beverley Nichols.

"Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds can get you
shot."

"Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener !"

"For others who may not know this: When the preacher
says 'You may now kiss the bride', he's only speaking to
the groom."    — David Gunter.

"Life is a bitch, then you marry one."

"The most common form of marriage proposal: 'YOU'RE
WHAT !?'"

"A successful marriage requires falling in love many
times, always with the same person."    — Mignon
 McLaughlin.

"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we
met."    — Rodney Dangerfield.

"A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then
he is finished."    — Zsa Zsa Gabor.

"I think weddings are sadder than funerals, because they remind you of your own wedding. You can't be reminded of your own funeral because it hasn't happened. But weddings always make me cry."    — Brendan  Behan (1923-64) Irish playwright.

"Ah, yes, 'divorce'. From the Latin for 'having your
genitals torn off through your wallet'."    — Robin Williams.

"My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it
took four state troopers and a dog."

"Q: Do you know the punishment for bigamy ?
 A: Two Mother-in-law."

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel !"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

"How do most men define marriage ?
An expensive way to get laundry done for free."

"Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.
After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent."

"Three rings of marriage: The engagement ring, the
wedding ring, and the suffering."

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a
jury."    — George Burns.

"Q: How do most men define marriage ?
"A: A very expensive way to get your laundry done free."

"The most effective way to remember your wife's
Birthday is to forget it once"

"Bachelors know more about women than married men. If
they didn't, they be married too."    — H. L. Mencken.

"Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you  see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that."

"If you want to read about love and marriage, you've
got to buy two separate books."    — Alan King.

"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man
I keep his house."    — Zsa Zsa Gabor.

"Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his
second wife to his success."    — Jim Backus.

"Where there is marriage without love, there will be
love without marriage."    — Benjamin Franklin   (1706-1790)

"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you
take it out, you lose interest."    — Professor Irwin Corey.

"Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the
ring, and then you wake up."    — Evelyn Hendrickson.

"Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with
feelings and lawyers."    — Richard Pryor.

"Marriage resembles a pair of shears, so joined that
they cannot be separated; often moving in opposite
directions, yet always punishing anyone who comes
between them."    — Sydney Smith.

"Adam & Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to
hear about all the men she could have married... and she
didn't have to hear about how well his Mother cooked."

"My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month,
but I know two guys she's cut out entirely."  — Rodney Dangerfield.

"My wife was in labor with our first child for thirty-two hours and I was faithful to her the whole time."  — Jonathan Katz.

"Q: What food sucks 80% of the sex drive from a woman ?
 A: The wedding cake."

"They say that 50% of all marriages end in divorce.
That's not as bad as it sounds, considering that the other
50%  end in death."

"By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be
happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher."   — Socrates.

"I still miss my Ex, But my aim is getting better"   — Bumper sticker.