A guy calls his wife from the emergency room. He tells her that
his finger got cut off at the construction site where he works.
"Oh my God!!" cries the woman. "The whole finger?" "No," replies
the guy. " The one next to it ! "
Play with me every day, let me sleep with you, buy me new toys, and spoil me rotten.
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
In the 60's people took acid to make the world appear weird.
Now the world is weird, people take prozac to make it normal.
"The brightest dog I ever had," said one, "was a Great Dane that used to play cards. He was a whiz at poker, but finally a friend complained about him and I had him put to sleep."
"You had him put to sleep, a bright dog like that? A dog like that would be worth a million dollars."
"Had to", he replied, "Caught him using marked cards.
A Canadian lumber camp advertises for a lumberjack. A skinny
little guy shows up at the camp the next day carrying an axe.
The head lumberjack takes one look at the puny little guy and
tells him to get lost.
"Give me a chance to show you what I can do," says the skinny
guy.
"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" says the head
lumberjack. "Take your axe and cut it down."
The guy heads for the tree, and in five minutes he's knocking on
the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree down," says the guy.
The lumberjack can't believe his eyes and says, "Where did you
learn to chop down trees like that?"
"In the Sahara Forest," says the puny man.
"You mean the Sahara Desert," says the lumberjack.
"Sure......That's what they call it now!"
His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms,
calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years,
and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy:
"I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married,
you still call your wife those pet names."
His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot
her name about ten years ago."
~~~
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his
wife
during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when
you have
an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's a good idea to always settle disagreements before going to bed
at night.
Then try to fall asleep real fast before the next fight starts.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Why Men Get Out Of Bed"
A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in
the
dmiddle of the night...
-- 5% said it was to get a glass of water...
-- 12% said it was to go to the toilet...
-- 83% said it was to go home.
First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape
measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job
will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit
for me."
Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said, "$2,700."
The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, "You didn't even
measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
"Easy," he said. "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy
from Texas."
My boyfriend and I were at my daughter's volleyball game when we
noticed an adult couple in the bleachers. They were being VERY
affectionate. She was running her hands all over him and nibbling on his
ear. He had his hands on her chest. I said to my boyfriend, "I
don't know whether to watch them or the game."
He said, "Watch THEM ! You already KNOW how to play volleyball.
You know, there was a time when men dreaded getting old
because they knew it would rob them of their sexual power.
But thanks to modern medicine, couples are having sex well into their
70s and 80s, to the point where you can now buy edible panties
fortified with calcium.
"If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%,
how much would you take off?" he asked her.
The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings."
An eight-year-old kid swaggered into the lounge and demanded of the barmaid, "Give me a double Scotch on the rocks."
"What do you want to do, get me in trouble?" the barmaid asked.
"Maybe later," the kid said. "Right now, I just want the Scotch."
[
"It's your account, darling," Susie's mother said as they entered at
the bank, "so you fill out the application."
Susie was doing fine until she came to the space for "Name of your
former bank". With just a slight hesitation, she put down "Piggy"
One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement. "Okay Simpson," says the investigator, "you were near the scene - what happened ?"
"Well, it's like this. Old Charley Higgins was in the mixing room, and
I
saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up."
"He was smoking in the mixing room ?" the investigator said in stunned
horror, "How long had he been with the company?"
"About 20 years, sir"
"20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing
room, I'd have thought it would have been the last thing he'd have done."
"It was, sir."
"Well, people get divorced all the time because they fall out of love," he said. "But I've never heard of anybody falling out of stupid."
Later, when he was calm, they asked him why he struggled so. He said,
"I
remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front
of a huge, flashing 'Shell' sign. And somebody was standing in front of
the 'S.'
The elderly man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant. He called his wife every bad name he could think of.
When they finally arrived at the restaurant, and the woman got out of
the car to retrieve her glasses, the man yelled to her, "And while you're
in there, you might as well get my hat, too...."
The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.
Doc says, "What's the problem? Didn't the glasses help you?"
"The glasses are fine doc, but I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"
And another thing; before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourselfstupid. That wouldn't bother me either.
If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business; you swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them, too.
You get to have all the sex you want before you hibernate; sleep during the birth of the cubs, and not have any stretch marks.
Your husband expects you to growl when you wake up. He expects you to have hairy legs and excess body fat. And he finds that sexy.
I wish I were a bear.
A woman goes to the doctors, and says, "Doctor, I've got a bit
of a problem. I'll have to take my clothes off to show you."
The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe. She gets
undressed, and the doctor goes around to see her when she is ready.
"Well, what is it?" he asks.
"It's a bit embarrassing," she replies, "These two green circles
have appeared on the inside of my thighs."
The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the
cause is. Then he suddenly asks, "Have you been having an affair
with a gypsy lately?"
The woman blushes and says, "Well,... yes, actually I have."
"That's the problem!" the doctor says,
"Tell him that his earrings aren't made of real gold!"
[]