Sign in a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR
CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.

Sign in a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS.

In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE
BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.

Outside a farm: HORSE MANURE 50p PER PREPACKED BAG;
20p DO IT YOURSELF.

In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND
UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.

English sign in a German cafe: MOTHERS, PLEASE WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE EATING.

Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING--
BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC.  WHY NOT BRING YOUR
WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
 

Sign outside a new town hall to be opened by the Prince
of Wales: THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING.  IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED
AFTER BEING OPENED.  OPEN TOMORROW.

Outside a photographer's studio: OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT
BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO.
 

Seen at the side of a Sussex road: SLOW CATTLE CROSSING.  NO OVERTAKING FOR
THE NEXT 100 YRS.

Outside a disco: SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN.  EVERYONE
WELCOME.

Sign warning of quicksand: QUICKSAND.  ANY PERSON
PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED.  BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.
 

Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish:
DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS, WE MUST ASK ANYONE
WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE RAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN
ORDER.

Notice in a dry cleaner's window: ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR
MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF.

Sign on motorway garage: PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS.  YOUR
LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS.

Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.

Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN
AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR.

Notice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS
THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Sign on a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.  (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON
THE DOOR--THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Sign at Norfolk farm gate: BEWARE!  I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE
NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT.

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block: TOILET OUT OF ORDER.  PLEASE
USE FLOOR BELOW.