"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."
--Conan O'Brien

"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you."
--Rita Mae Brown

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
--Dick Cavett

"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
--Rita Rudner

"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war .. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go! You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off! I've got the toe clippers right here!' "
--Jerry Seinfeld

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner.."
--Lynda Montgomery

"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?"
--Marilyn Pittman

"I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond Ithink. I don't know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You know these kind of girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me, me, me.' You know. 'Help me, put me out.' Come on, could we talk about me justa little bit?"
--Garry Shandling

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez

"I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast."
--Johnathan Katz

"When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?"
--Robin Williams

"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end."
--Jerry Seinfeld

I don't believe in a risk free society where the thrills of life are sacrificed for the safety of existence.
- Author Unknown

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Rita Rudner

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"
Jay Leno

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.
Jackie Gleason

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
Red Buttons

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
George Carlin

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.
Ellen DeGeneres

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
Carol Leifer

I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead.
Sue Kolinsky

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not caught dead in otherwise.
Roger Simon

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
Pearl Williams

Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.
William Coronel

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Dave Edison

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
Johnny Carson

Never moon a werewolf.
Mike Binder

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
George Gobel

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.
-- Shirley Temple

If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend.
--Doug Lars

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!
--Tom Lehrer

I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What good would that do?
--Ronnie Shakes

It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. --Rod Serling

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
--Sam Levenson (1911-1980)

Television - a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well-done.
--Ernie Kovacs

Always remember this: If you don't attend the funerals of your friends, they will certainly not attend yours.
--H.L. Mencken

A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; but a bad novel tells us the truth about its author.
--G. K. Chesterton (1874-1936)

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the United States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine millimeter bullet.
--Dave Barry

This isn't right. It isn't even wrong.
--Wolfgang Pauli,

On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than money.
--Joey Bishop

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate
--Franklin P. Jones

Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now, blue-green meat, that's REALLY BAD for you.
--Tommy Smothers

The imaginary friends I had as a kid dropped me because their friends thought I didn't exist.
--Aaron Machado

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
--Henny Youngman

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
--Jay Leno

 
It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.
--Darrin Weinberg
 

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.
--H.L. Mencken